Letter to W

This is a letter I gave to W on this date, inside an envelope, along with some flowers. I was trying to be conciliatory, but it seemed to make her angry. Everything I do seems to make her angry.

W,

Thank you for taking time to write out your detailed comments on yesterday's blog. I am glad that we have a dialogue. (Yes, I am being serious).
You made a lot of good points. I'll respond to them at the end.

Blogging
The point of me having a blog is to express my thoughts and feelings as I have them - right or wrong. It's my attempt to communicate honestly what's going on in my head.
The point is not to accuse or be vindictive. I only mean to express my feelings of the moment - raw and uncensored.
And just like everybody else, my feelings can change drastically from moment to moment and throughout the day.
The blog is a snapshot of what I'm feeling at the exact moment I'm writing.
Friday I was feeling anger and hurt while I was writing the blog, and what you read was a reflection of that.
But Saturday morning I had other thoughts that were of a much more positive nature. I wrote down some notes yesterday, but I didn't have time to send them out to you before I had to go to work. You might have had a different impression of things right now if I had.
But you are right about the feeling you get from writing in a blog - it feels good to get things out and write them down.

An Agreement
I've gotten a lot of advice in the last few days from various sources. Some of it is not so good advice. Some of it is very good.
The single best piece of advice was one I heard last night:
Apparently when my electrologist and her boyfriend decided to move in together years and years ago, they made an agreement which they still keep.
The agreement was to not put words in each other's mouths.
What this means is that they agree to listen to what the other person has to say, but most importantly, they never presume to "know" what the other person is thinking. This also means they make a conscious effort to hear what the other person is saying and not just what they want to hear. This style of communication takes a lot more effort, but it is the best thing I've heard in a long time.
I know that we have both been guilty of putting words in the other person's mouth, and thoughts in the other person's head.
The most recent examples are me putting thoughts in your head in yesterday's blog, and you putting thoughts into my head when we went out to watch the meteors.
I am SORRY (I capitalized for emphasis, not because I'm yelling) here on my end, and I will make a conscious effort not to put words in your mouth in the future. I hope you feel the same. I would love to make a similar agreement with you.

Couples Counseling
I actually feel the opposite of what you wrote about when to go to couples counseling.
I feel that we actually need an emergency counseling session as soon as possible with no delays. Ideally, I would like for us to see someone Monday or Tuesday evening this coming week if that is not too unrealistic.
Our communication seems to have broken down further and further each day in a rapidly increasing snowball effect - with more miscommunication and hurt feelings piled on top of the previous days'.
I feel that immediate counseling would put a stop to this negative pattern, but simply stewing on all that's happened in the past week will not do either of us any good.
At the rate things have been breaking down between us, I feel that waiting until after you move out will be way, way too late to do any good.
One more note on counseling: even if we break up completely (god forbid), couples counseling would still be a good idea, for us to both get closure.

Talking and Listening
There are lots of ideas out there for us to improve our communication.
I honestly would like for us to work on some of these before you move out. I hope that we can do that.
Here is one idea I had all on my own this morning:
We get together once a day (or once every other day, or once a week - whatever works best) in a quiet space, and we both have a half-hour time limit where we sit and truly listen to the concerns and feelings of the other person, while the other person expresses themself uninterrupted. One person just listens while the other person talks, unless of course the speaker invites feedback. Then we switch places for the next half hour.
Now the point of this exercise is that it provides a focus point for each of us to summarize our thoughts and feelings and communicate what's most important. And we can be sure that the other person has our undivided attention.
I think this would be especially great when combined with the "not putting words in each others mouth" agreement. We each get half an hour to talk just about how we feel, not how we "think" the other person feels.
Now of course this "talking and listening" time doesn't prevent either of us from talking about our issues, feelings and thoughts during the other 23 hours of the day. But it does ensure that we know what the most important things on each others' minds are - and I think that has been one of our big problems.

Moving Out
This is a tough one for me to write about, because it is embarassing.
I've already left you a phone message apologizing.
I honestly thought at the end of our last face to face encounter that you meant you were moving out immediately. I don't know how I got that impression, but obviously I was wrong. I sense you have a great deal of anger about this. I did not mean to do anything to purposely upset you or be vindictive in regards to this. We obviously had another breakdown in communication, and I take the blame for this one. I honestly thought when you said you were going away for the night, that you meant you were going away for that night and the next night and the next one and not coming back except to gather your stuff. I thought that was the end - finis - and my mistaken impression obviously added to my sense of hurt and anger all day Friday.
I am going to email the roommates apologizing. (I am also going to change the voice message again slightly to take "Eve" off of it).

But the even tougher part for me to write about is this:
I know that you are committed to moving out, and the intellectual side of me says you need to do what you need to do.
But there is also an emotional part of me that is so utterly, utterly desperate for you to change your mind about us not being primary partners.
That side of me is so scared of losing you and the energy you bring into my life, and all the ways we fit together, and my dreams for the future.
That side is desperate to tell you that I would do anything, anything for you. That I would get down on my hands and knees. That I love you so dearly that I would even lay down my life for you.
You are the love of my life.
For me the unspoken truth behind all this back and forth we've been doing is that I am desperate to do anything or change anything - anything - about myself for the possibility that you would reconsider.
The intellectual side says it is undignified for me to admit that - but I know it is the emotional truth.

Yesterday's Letter - A Response
You're right - I should not have brought up Ed. It is obviously a sore spot, based on how much of your reply was about this one issue. You are right that I was not there, and that the only things I know about it are what you've told me. I was putting words in your mouth (see the "Agreement" section above), which I now realize is a very bad thing and a block to good communication.
On the flip side, you say you don't think I would find any less fault with any other method you chose of moving out . You don't know that - please don't put thoughts in my head, either.

I do want us to move forward and focus on fixing problem rather than be mired in the past and dwelling on "he said, she said" accusations.
I do so much want to go to counseling, but not to be vindictive. I want to go because I want to make a good faith effort to heal the things that need healing between us, and to find ways to be better partners. I hope you feel the same way.
Like you, I also do not want us to be as we have been: distant from each other, talking past each other, ships passing in the night, painting by the numbers... but unlike you, I do not feel that our relationship has run its course yet, and I feel there is still a place for healing and growth.

I think of all the good things we have done for each other - me coming with you to Portland to give support as you visited your sister in the hospital, you giving me the courage to start my own business - and I am so reluctant to give up on a future filled with a lifetime of such moments.
I know that once upon a time you asked me, in all sincerity, to marry you. And I will never forget that for at least that one moment in time, that love was the Truth of our relationship... no matter what happens in our future.

Love,
E

Double Speak?

It's interesting to note the big difference in tone between what W says to my face and what she says in her blog. The accusations in her blog entry are bewildering, as she seems to get herself all worked and angry speculating what I might do as well as her dream about me, rather than what actually happened in reality, which was uneventful and ahead of schedule.

From W's bog:

New Day

Whew! I was angry last night!

I feel better now that I've slept. I dreamt last night that my old roommates lived with me again in a house that was supposed to be the one I'm moving out of currently, but that was entirely different than reality in the dream. In the dream our home was an ENORMOUS 2 story penthouse suite with giant rooms and lots of closets and bathrooms. So why were we fighting over who got what space? Throughout the entire dream. First my former roommate was arguing with E, then I was arguing and fighting with E, trying to lock her out of "my" section of the suite, which she kept trying to invade. Either the dream switched around to all of us moving out or we were all in the process of moving out anyhow, but I kept yelling at E to help clean up. For some reason we were rushing to clean the space after packing so we could get our full cleaning deposit back and I keep having to ask E to clean rather than have guests over and go out partying. At one point I handed her a broom to clean up a bunch of broken (green?) glass and had to be strict with her about it being her chore to do as she hadn't done anything else helpful in the process up to that point. Interesting.

I have found that she or someone else has come into the guestroom a few times to put the bag of recycling, clothes I had on a chair in the livingroom, etc, into the room. And I'm a little paranoid that each time she inspected what I'm moving with and perhaps took something. Which is totally irrational of me. I can see how I'm really upset at feeling I don't have my own private space still and wanting to fight to keep her out and it coming out in my dream. And that I'm frustrated that she made a point of telling me she's useless in helping me move. The exact words where more along the lines of informing me that she didn't know that she was going to be available to help me when I wanted to move. How convenient. I am hoping I don't have to get angry and demanding with her, like in the dream, about moving her stuff out of the studio. I don't need more passive/aggressiveness from her and then being accussed of being bitchy or unreasonable when I get upset that she's not pulling her wieght to take care of her part of the move. I'm going to have to communicate VERY clearly with her in the next few days when really I'd rather ignore her. Perhaps I'll write a note. She seems to get it when I WRITE to her rather than talking. I guess I'll add "write a letter of clarification to E" to my long list of things to do before I move. Ugh.

Comments:
At 5:47 PM, Anonymous said...
i don't think she's being passive aggressive at all; she said that she doesn't know if she can help move, and that's that. As you said before, she came home to find you moving out- you can't expect her to help you when it's convenient for you, unless you had a prior agreement.
"I am hoping I don't have to get angry and demanding with her" actually sounds way more passive agressive than her telling you that she can't help.
God knows I know moving sucks. And I'd be there helping you if I weren't working (or sick as a dog as I've been the last two days). But don't burn bridges with her.

At 9:39 AM, Grey Tabby said...
The whole point of writing her a note was so that I am clear about what I expect and she can let me know if I'm off in my expectations and we can work it out. The angry and demanding part isn't about her helping me move when it's convenient for me on Saturday. It's about her getting her stuff out by the 15th, a date we set well before she left for Burningman. I don't want to burn any bridges, I'm just upset right now and venting. And I don't entirely trust her to hold up her end of the bargain to move by the 15th. I don't WANT to yell at her, but I will be exceptionally annoyed if she doesn't follow through.



Now the letter that W actually wrote to me:

Since you seem otherwise occupied and because it seems a lot easier to lay things out clearly in an email, I thought I'd write to you about stuff pertaining to me moving out. Here goes...

FRIDAY
Last week my muhammara was all eaten when I got back over the weekend. I wasn't clear if this was because it got eaten by you personally or got put out accidentally by someone that didn't understand that it wasn't part of the Friday night snack options. I moved everything that is for your business into the bottom shelf of the door (pop/juice) and the rest into one of your little plastic purple bins on the 2nd shelf down. There are notes stating that the stuff on the top shelf and in the upper drawer of the fridge are not shared. That should be self explanatory for anyone digging around in the fridge, but I thought I'd point it out to you so you can be consciencious about it.

SATURDAY
I have a rental van from 9 am to just before 1 pm on Saturday and will be moving everything over to the studio during that time. Any mess from the night before should be cleaned up and cleared away before 10am. It will perhaps take me longer to pack the rental van and be over, but I don't have that much stuff, so perhaps not. I will be taking the leopard print futon and pillow back over to the Penthouse, but will leave the rest of your business stuff for you to take care of.

I will go out for the night or find somewhere to spend the night Saturday so that I won't disturb your client appointment.

SUNDAY & WEDNESDAY
It really would be best to have your clients over at the Penthouse. If you are able to help me move on Saturday, then I am willing to help you move whatever you need back over to the Penthouse either while I still have the moving van, or in the late morning on Sunday in whatever transportation you provide. At the very least I would like all of your business stuff and personal possessions and the keys to the apartment returned by Wednesday evening before 10pm.

Money
We are both paid through the 15th, you on the Studio, me on the Penthouse. I actually only charged you through Tuesday the 14th. If you want to do the math and see how much you overpaid and compare it to how much I overpaid for the Penthouse, I am willing to repay you any difference. I somehow doubt there will be much as I overpaid by almost $65. I would appreciate if that if you have any money claims on me over this you get me the info by October 1. After that I think it is just water under the bridge.

Deposit
I will write a letter CCing you and RF and asking for my deposit to be returned. The full amount is $898.50. If for whatever reason I am mistaken or an amount is going to be taken out of it I would like you to let me know in writing how much and why. I believe I remember from S&B moving out that it should be paid back within 2 weeks of 9/15. Any personal monies I owe you will be repaid in the amount of $75-100 each month until it is paid. Just to be clear, the deposit money and what I personally owe you are seperate and should be repaid accordingly.

Miscellaneous Items
The green glass shelf in the bedroom is mine, but I decided to leave it since it's already up and it looks nice where it is. If you don't want it I will take it down. Also, all my CDs are in your little CD holder thingy. I was wondering if I could borrow it until I find another one or if you want me to leave it here?

Of the shared decore we had in the bedroom and split the cost of I left you the pillows, curtains, curtain rods, sheets, duvet cover, and paint/painting supplies. I took the wood branch with the air plants, and the little black trash bin we bought for the small bathroom. I would like to just keep the cleaning supplies, paper towels, paper towel holder, ikea cups, and wall clock that are already over at the studio, especially since I'm leaving so much shared stuff behind and I haven't charged you for studio utilities at all.

The grey hanging shelving thing in your closet is mine and the blue one at the studio is yours. We can switch them out if you like or just let them hang where they are.

Sorry this is such a detailed and tedious list, but I want to be communicative about what's going on and make sure that I don't just assume that how I've thought things through will be okay with you. Let me know if you need/want something different or if you agree to everything so I know we've worked out everything okay.

I love you,

W