Thanksgiving
>My Alley Cat Tales
>Thursday, November 25, 2004
>
>At 6:31 PM Friday, November 26 Anonymous said...
>
>How distraught is your old lover and how much of a support system does she have? Not that she would necessarily do this, >but the holidays always have a high rate of suicides, unfortunately.
>
>
>At 2:09 PM Saturday, November 27, Grey Tabby said...
>
>Thanks you for mentioning that! I called one of E's roommates and another close friend of ours and asked them to check in >on her and make sure she feels loved.
Pasted above are the reader comments to W's Thanksgiving blog entry. Some background on this: on Thanksgiving, W mentioned in her blog that I had written her 'distraut (sp. distraught?) messages' (actually I had only written her one message at that point, but yes it is true that I am very distraught and having physically self-destructive thoughts. I'll include my original messages below.)
My first reaction to this posting was, 'Thank God! W really cares after all! That is so sweet of her.' I felt so relieved.
But as time has marched on, neither of these two anonymous people ever contacted me - neither the 'roommate' (which could potentially be one of four people), nor the 'close friend'. I still don't know what to make of this. Perhaps this reflects poorly on our choices of mutual friends. Sigh. That made me feel sad all over again.
So I waited another day, and when I still didn't hear from W herself, I thought about this more and some things didn't add up. Why would she make two phone calls to third parties, rather than just make one phone call directly to me?
I also realized I haven't heard from her since before Halloween.
And tonight I found out she's not really been out of town.
Q. What am I scared of?
A. I'm scared that she's been purposely ignoring me becuase she doesn't want to talk to me. I'm scared that she is not seeing me as a flesh and blood human being - one with feelings and vulnerability and mortality. I'm scared of stubbornness. I'm scared that she will not respect me for opening up to her about my feelings of pain and longing. I'm scared that I can't live
Below are the emails I wrote her. There is no BS in there... they were raw and sincere and I meant every single word, and I felt very scared and vulnerable writing them. Although flat words on a screen can't express adequately the intensity of emotions I've been feeling.
W,
I'm guessing you must be out of town or something for the holidays. Let me know when you get back.
Then again, I'm realizing I haven't heard anything from you since before Halloween. Hmm. Are you actually here? That would make me very sad if that is the case. Well, "sadder", really.
I really feel sick every morning, like my stomach is being ripped up. I almost don't know why I came back here now.
At times I feel like I want my mind to crawl into a black hole where I don't have to think about anything. I passed out from drinking on thanksgiving - it's the first time I've passed out in a long time.
Being here at the penthouse is making me crazy. Not being able to talk to you is, too.
I feel like crying at odd times. My emotions are very close to the surface since I got back.
It's deeply humiliating to tell someone you love them when you don't think they love you back, but that is indeed the case. It hurts me just to write it.
I guess there are a lot of things about the last few months that I just don't understand.
There are things I want to talk to you about that I'd rather not write. Emails are impersonal and prone to misinterpretation.
Please call me whenever you get back.
E
>Thursday, November 25, 2004
>
>At 6:31 PM Friday, November 26 Anonymous said...
>
>How distraught is your old lover and how much of a support system does she have? Not that she would necessarily do this, >but the holidays always have a high rate of suicides, unfortunately.
>
>
>At 2:09 PM Saturday, November 27, Grey Tabby said...
>
>Thanks you for mentioning that! I called one of E's roommates and another close friend of ours and asked them to check in >on her and make sure she feels loved.
Pasted above are the reader comments to W's Thanksgiving blog entry. Some background on this: on Thanksgiving, W mentioned in her blog that I had written her 'distraut (sp. distraught?) messages' (actually I had only written her one message at that point, but yes it is true that I am very distraught and having physically self-destructive thoughts. I'll include my original messages below.)
My first reaction to this posting was, 'Thank God! W really cares after all! That is so sweet of her.' I felt so relieved.
But as time has marched on, neither of these two anonymous people ever contacted me - neither the 'roommate' (which could potentially be one of four people), nor the 'close friend'. I still don't know what to make of this. Perhaps this reflects poorly on our choices of mutual friends. Sigh. That made me feel sad all over again.
So I waited another day, and when I still didn't hear from W herself, I thought about this more and some things didn't add up. Why would she make two phone calls to third parties, rather than just make one phone call directly to me?
I also realized I haven't heard from her since before Halloween.
And tonight I found out she's not really been out of town.
Q. What am I scared of?
A. I'm scared that she's been purposely ignoring me becuase she doesn't want to talk to me. I'm scared that she is not seeing me as a flesh and blood human being - one with feelings and vulnerability and mortality. I'm scared of stubbornness. I'm scared that she will not respect me for opening up to her about my feelings of pain and longing. I'm scared that I can't live
Below are the emails I wrote her. There is no BS in there... they were raw and sincere and I meant every single word, and I felt very scared and vulnerable writing them. Although flat words on a screen can't express adequately the intensity of emotions I've been feeling.
W,
I'm guessing you must be out of town or something for the holidays. Let me know when you get back.
Then again, I'm realizing I haven't heard anything from you since before Halloween. Hmm. Are you actually here? That would make me very sad if that is the case. Well, "sadder", really.
I really feel sick every morning, like my stomach is being ripped up. I almost don't know why I came back here now.
At times I feel like I want my mind to crawl into a black hole where I don't have to think about anything. I passed out from drinking on thanksgiving - it's the first time I've passed out in a long time.
Being here at the penthouse is making me crazy. Not being able to talk to you is, too.
I feel like crying at odd times. My emotions are very close to the surface since I got back.
It's deeply humiliating to tell someone you love them when you don't think they love you back, but that is indeed the case. It hurts me just to write it.
I guess there are a lot of things about the last few months that I just don't understand.
There are things I want to talk to you about that I'd rather not write. Emails are impersonal and prone to misinterpretation.
Please call me whenever you get back.
E
posted by E at 1:29 AM
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