Recently I lost the password to one of the nine blogs I operate, and today, in the process of recovering the keys to it, I rediscovered this dusty old long-lost blog, which tracks back to my old ex's blog.
Inexplicably, it looks like she's still dwelling on ancient history, judging by a fairly recent post.
The whole thing is weird. Why post a new blog entry about me all these years later? I'm flattered, but really, enough is enough.

It's been a long time since I've thought about her, and when I do, it's in fairly neutral terms. I'm kind of shocked that she's still writing angry rebuttals to things from two years ago.
Looking back from this moderrn perspective, it's obvious that she needed to spend a few more years finding herself, which is fine, but actually not the kind of relationship I would have wanted to be in over these last two years anyway. So yes, despite my sadness, confusion and jumble of emotions two years ago when we abruptly broke up, I do think it was for the best in the long run. Looking at the big picture, from start to finish, it was a good relationship that helped us both grow and learn in incredible ways for a long solid stretch of time, but which eventually ran its course.
When I do think about her, I think it's a shame that we can't be aquaintances, which I would be willing to try someday, but she's obviously still holding grudges, pointing fingers and casting blame.

She seems intent on repeating a certain narrative about our breakup (E was "unhappy", E was "needy") that doesn't address the deeper realities of what was going wrong in our relationship, so that she can reassure herself that she "made the right decisions". (and really, if she needs so much reassurance, it's obvious she has doubts that she just can't bring herself to talk about).

The reality of my life right now is that I'm in a very happy and productive place - I'm dating a mature, confident, centered woman who has a career creating postive change in the world, has a steady direction in life, her own home and a steady income. She's also intelligent, creative and sexy. My business has increased it's public profile and phase II - the web store - is almost finished, I've made my first national television appearance, my friend circle has expanded, I'm starting to do video blogging for nonprofits, makeup for album photoshoots and music videos, and I just got asked to join the executive committee of a major transgender organization. And I still live in a beautiful home with wonderful roommates.
The key to success and happiness is to not dwell on the past, but rather to take the lessons of life and grow and use them to focus on the future.

I haven't seen my ex in eight months, and the last time I ran into her on the street, she seemed nervous and intent on bragging about herself to my date, while making absolutely no eye contact with me. I found it a little sad that she was claiming that the Angel of the Apocaylpse was "her" Burning Man art project, with no mention at all of the Flaming Lotus Girls anywhere in her monologue. It ended with the strong impression that she was talking 'at' my date rather than 'with' her, intent on saying all the things she wanted to make sure I overheard. It's a little puzzling that she was still trying to impress me, even while claiming she wanted nothing to do with me.
In the eight months since then, I guess I had assumed she was 'over it', as I was, and had moved on to a more emotionally neutral place in regards to me and our relationship, but that doesn't seem to be the case.

From what little I hear through the grapevine, it sounds like she's still in roughly the same place in other ways too - still putting most of her energy into figuring out work and housing. I do hope she succeeds in her goals, eventually. I wish her the best.

Quality of Life

The Associated Press is reporting on a new study conducted by Mercer that lists San Francisco as both one of the top five safest cities in the U.S. and one of the top two in terms of quality of life.
It also found that the safest city in the entire world is: Luxembourg.
But when it comes to overall quality of life, Geneva and Zurich, Switzerland share the lead, followed by Vancouver, British Columbia, and Vienna, Austria, and the German cities of Frankfurt, Munich and Duesseldorf tied for fifth.
I'm fascinated by this, as I'm always fantasizing about where I would move to if I were to move outside the U.S.
Switzerland, Vancouver, Austria, and Germany all sound like OK places to live, climate-wise. Now what I'd like to find out is how those top cities/nations all compare when it comes to transgender and gay rights and gay marriage.
Here in the U.S., San Francisco is tied with Honolulu for highest quality of life. New York was third in the U.S. (No coincidence that these are also the three most expensive cities in the U.S.?) So it sounds like I'm already living in the right place as fas as the U.S. is concerned.
One more interesting note... Houston scored the lowest quality of life in the U.S. So I went from one extreme to the other when I moved from there to here. Not a big surprise.
The complete survey can be found here.

String Theory

There is a fascinating article on the current scientific schism over string theory in today's SF Chronicle. Some scientists have based their careers on it, others think it's a bunch of unproven nonsense, and both sides are very passionate. In addition, this is apparently one of the most skeptical newspaper articles on string theory ever to appear in the mainstream press. SF Chronicle, breaking new ground again!

Here's a good blog entry on the subject as well.

The article is yet another to refer to the discovery in the mid '90's that the universe is expanding faster and faster as one of the most groundbreaking discoveries ever in the history of cosmology.
Makes me realize I never finished reading Alpha and Omega. In fact, I left off just at the point that it was starting to explain string theory. Looks like it's time to pick that book up again.

Treating Myself

Today was a day of doing good things for myself. I feel good about that.

First I went to my doctor for an appointment that was long overdue. I am now on my way to solving a medical issue that has been bothering me for some time.
Then I took a pleasant stroll through the quirky and lovable Japantown Mall on the way home, and treated myself to lunch at Isobune (translation: "canal boat"), the original sushi boat restaurant. The sushi floats past you, downstream, and you have to catch it before it's gone. I had forgotten how good their sushi is, and what a treat it is to eat there.
I stopped at the ice cream parlor on the way out for a scoop of Green Tea Ice Cream, and sat in the Peace Plaza eating it and watching the happy people go by.
It struck me just how long it's been since I've wandered through Japantown... something I used to do all the time when I first moved to San Francisco. I was reminded of my wonderful ex, Dr. Robot, who was in love with that place and all things quirky & Japanese. It was she who took me to my first sushi restaurant years and years ago.
On the bus ride home, I spotted a really high-quality dress dummy & stand sitting on the sidewalk a few blocks from my penthouse. So I pulled the cord, got off the bus immediately, grabbed the dummy and carried it home. It's beautiful, it's adjustable, it's French, and it's in perfect condition. In the old days, it's the kind of thing I would have given to W as a gift, to see her face light up: "Look what I found for you, sweetie"! But those days are gone, and I'm keeping it as a treat to myself. Fuck her. I dressed the form up in my newest fuchsia stretchy club dress. It fits like a charm. I have ideas of using this beautiful thing to finally learn how to sew!

Podcasting

I have seen the future and it is this:
Podcasting gives voice to amateurs
Homespun shows find big audience
I want to start Podcasting through this blog soon. I already have all the tools. Watch this space for my words spoken in my own voice!

What This Blog Is And Isn't

It may appear, based on the dates, that I have been writing in this blog for months.
That is actually not the case.
I actually created this blog just a few days ago, uploading some things I had written over the last several months, and backdating them. I'll be adding to those archives as time goes on.
The main purpose of this blog is to post things I have written (letters, eulogies, etc...) that are meaningful to me, and for me to explore new ideas and thoughts based on things I see, read and learn about world around me.
This is not going to be a daily diary of what's happening in my interpersonal relationships. I don't intend to write much about the people in my life, and I certainly don't want to use this as a space to either "trash" people I know, or to talk about their personal business without their knowledge. If I do mention specific friends, my promise is that I will keep the tone positive, and I will never write about anyone without first informing them. Plus...if someone requests that I not write about them, I will respect their wishes.
There is one big exception to these rules, however: I feel no qualms writing about one specific person, W, only because she has continually violated my requests not to write about me in her own blog. Some of what you see written here is my response and defense against her, and my method of processing and healing from my painful dealings with her. Those particular posts are a helpful form of therapy.
One more thing... everyone is allowed to comment here, whether they love me or hate me, and everyone is welcome to read my blog.

Healing (World According to Garp II)

Garp's mother was a nurse, and so there's a whole thread of healing that runs through her life. All the women who hang around her estate are there because they're healing wounds in some way... whether they're rape victims, transsexuals, or what have you. It's like an outpatient hospital for the emotionally damaged.

Garp and his wife, Helen, are in a bad car crash that's caused partially because she was having an affair with one of her students (long story). One of their sons is killed, the other loses an eye.
Garp and Helen are both damaged physically and emotionally. They recover at the mother's estate. Garp just can't let it go, so he doesn't speak to Helen and continues to do mean things to her (I'm sad to say this sounds familiar).
Here's the dialogue:

After Garp tries to slam Helen's hands in a piano:
Helen speaking to Garp: “What the hell’s a matter with you? You think you’re the only one around here with a broken heart? Is that what you think? Well you’re not. Look around you. This house is full of them. And mine is one.”

Garp walking on the beach with his mother:
Mother speaking to Garp: “I’ll tell you honestly son. I think you’ve been behaving very badly. I’ve been watching you and I’ve been talking to Helen. What happened happened. Your blaming her isn’t going to change that. She’s hurt and you’re hurt. And you just keep pouring salt on the wounds. That’s no way for the son of a nurse to behave. Heal yourself, dammit! And help her heal herself, before it’s too late for both of you.”

I need to heal myself.

The World According to Garp

I watched this in bed tonight with Litttle Girl. What an excellent movie. I can't believe it's been since high school that I've seen it. I "get it" a lot more now. It makes me want to go out and read the book.

Lots of stuff to think about radical feminism, gender studies, sexuality, mother-son relations, transgenderism and emotional healing in this movie.
I remember my mother taking me to a sneak preview of this movie at SMU when I was 9 years old and in third grade. But we walked out not too long into it, because she felt there was too much sex in it. She complained about actors (Robin Williams) who made adult-audience films after making kids films (his first was Popeye). I guess she had thought that with Robin Williams in it that it would be a kid-friendly comedy or something.
I remember being fascinated with the transsexual character Roberta, played by John Lithgow. Looking back now, it turns out the role won him a best supporting actor nomination. And now that I've met plenty of trans-women, I can see that Lithgow played the role so spot-on perfect. I've met middle-aged trannies just like her! He must have done his research well.

The World According... is the story of T.S. Garp, raised by an overprotective mother who wanted a child but didn't want a man in her life (hmmm... sound familiar???), so she sleeps with a dying WWII solder who's in a coma in order to get pregnant. Other than this one instance, she's very anti-sex and anti-lust, and views these as "male weaknesses" which men project onto women and women internalize. Garp is an aspiring writer who does a lot of daydreaming (sound familiar again?). But he ends up back in his mother's shadow when a publisher prints her autobiography, and it becomes a lightening-rod political manifesto of the feminist movement, a runaway best-seller, and huge crowds of women come out to hear her speak.
One thing that always struck me in the movie was the uneasy relationship Garp had with some of the radical feminists who surrounded his mother. No matter how hard he tried, no matter how much sympathy he had for the women's movement, no matter that he was her son, he was still a man, and therefore a suspect, outsider or enemy in their eyes.
Somehow, I'm reminded of Janice Raymond's ugly book "The Transsexual Empire", also from this period (the 70's), which basically accused all transsexuals of being fetishistic men who wanted to invade women's space and dominate it from within. It urged feminists to be suspicious of transsexuals and exclude them from women's space. The book was taken quite seriously for a while, and it's long-term effects can even be felt in some circles today such as the Michigan Womyn's Music Festival. My feeling is that that book created unncessary divisivness and damage and hurt people for no reason.
The problem is that there's no room for fluidity in these world views. There's no room for nuance, for genderqueer, for anything outside binary gender, or even for differences in upbringing. There's only unchanging men and unchanging women, locked in battle, and both are painted with broad, garish brush strokes.
Examining my own feelings... even when I id'd as male, I always felt a lot of solidarity with women, and I used to feel guilt over having male privledge. I also used to feel guilt over pornography, because I bought into the argument that all pornography degrades women. This was back around my college days. Thank god I have a more a balanced world view now, in a sex-positive gender-fluid subculture, where I don't feel guilty about being myself.

Eulogy for my Grandfather

This is the eulogy I read at my grandfather's funeral service this evening.
My participation was kind of spontaneous - I woke up inspired in the middle of the night Friday, and wrote the whole thing in one sitting from about 2am-4am. It just poured out of me. I figured no one else was going to read one, so I took ownership.
I purposely tried to include my grandmother as much as possible, because the eulogy at her funeral was so terrible - the priest didn't know her and could barely speak English. I did not want a repeat of that, and I felt this was my opportunity to correct that, and add something personal and emotional to the funeral service.
Our family alternately laughed and cried. I feel proud of my words.

R.O.H. was born in Stuttgart, Germany in the spring of 1913… April 4th, to be exact.
If you stop to think about it... that’s a heck of a long time ago.
As a young child in the 1970’s, my grandparents seemed like ancient unchanging creatures, with fascinating stories stretching back in time, through the Eisenhower Era, World War Two, the Depression, and even World War One.
My mother and I moved in with my grandparents when I was 4 years old, and I got to hear a lot of those stories over the years. And now, 20-something years later, I have quite a few stories of my own… about them.
I grew up calling them M. and G.
And growing up in the 80’s, I’ve always tended to associate my grandparents with Ronald Reagan and Johnny Carson. They were both card-carrying Republicans, and I can’t even begin to count the number of times they fell asleep in front of the TV set, after making it through most, but hardly ever all, of the Tonight Show. Earlier in the evening, M. would have fixed them both hi-balls… a small but potent mixture of bourbon and sprite. She would stir them together with her finger. As a child, I asked for a sip once or twice to see what it tasted like. My 8-year old taste buds gave it the “thumbs down”.
During most of this era, Granddaddy was what he liked to call “semi-retired”, which I think means that he was done with working full-time, but he and Mema still enjoyed the old routine of having him out of the house.
He would come home from work at the end of the day, sometimes collecting stray golf balls from the front yard on his way inside.
On certain warm days, he would take me for sunset walks through the golf course across the street. There was a creek that ran across the course diagonally, and we would follow the water upstream to its source. And on a few magical June nights, once a year, there would be a grove of lightening-bugs halfway along the trail, and you could stand there surrounded by hundreds of small blinking lights… on and off, on and off. It was amazing.
On those nights, M. would have dinner ready for us when we got home, after a long day of hanging laundry in the back yard, sewing, and washing clothes.
Many would agree that, like many couples of their generation, it was really the dutiful wife who secretly ran the show behind the scenes, and did the lion’s share of keeping the household in order.
But they did a lot of things together. No matter what project he took on, she was always there assisting him and sometimes even taking over and doing it herself, regardless of whether it was fixing things, mowing the yard, or gardening – she loved her rose bushes.
And they used to do fun things together as well… cruises, trips to Europe, weekends in the Ozarks, swimming in the back yard pool, going to Cowboys games together, and the horse races. They loved to tell the story about how a certain horse nodded its head at M.. So she placed a bet on it… and she won big.

M. and G. didn’t really believe in ghosts or spirits or the supernatural or even in more scientifically provable things like… evolution. But G. did believe in the power of miracles. Many of us have probably heard the story of how he believed God cured his kidney stones one day while he was sitting in church praying. He loved to tell that story later in life. When it came to religion, he had a quintessentially German attitude toward following all the mundane rules and the regulations of the church, sometimes to a fault… but there was also a side of him that believed in the transcendent power of prayer and miracles.

Just like any couple, M. and G. did their fair share of bickering and arguing, much like an old broken record, but behind it all was a life-long love affair. There are other people here who are more qualified to tell you the story of how they met… I wasn’t there. But I do know that they dearly loved each other. And they shared their love with their two children, six grandchildren, and five great-grandchildren, as well as their siblings, nieces, nephews, cousins and friends. And I know that G. never got over M’s death a few years ago. He talked about her to both friends and strangers during these last few years… sometimes smiling; sometimes on the verge of tears. She was a very special woman. And she was very special to him.
I know that he wanted to be with her again. And now I believe they “are” together again.
And maybe, just maybe, Johnny Carson is up there with them too, giving them a joke monologue live and in person each night.
Hopefully, they’re staying awake through the show this time.

My Grandfather Died

I got a phone call this afternoon from my mother that my grandfather had just died.
It was very shocking, as he had not been in the hospital or sick. Granted he was 91, going on 92, but his doctors made it sound like he had years and years ahead of him.
He had some sort of attack in the hallway of the assisted living home where he was living, nobody knows whether it was a heart attack or stroke. My mother had just dropped him off from taking him to the eye doctor.
Apparently the last thing he did before dying was buy and sign my birthday card.
I'll be cancelling my birthday party, which was set for Friday, and instead I'll be flying to Dallas Thursday, the day after tomorrow. I didn't think I'd be back there so soon.
A little background in that my grandparents helped raise me and I was very close to them. My grandmother died a few years ago after a long painful battle with Alzheimer's.
I had meant to call my grandfather this week, as my birthday was coming up. I just kept saying that to my mother over and over again on the phone - I meant to call him this week.

Letter to R

Here is a letter I sent to R on this date.

Hi R,

I wanted to send you an email and see how you were doing, as I haven't seen or talked to you in so long.
I assume you've been really busy.. hopefully with music and stuff. I hope that you're having good success with your music. I haven't heard or seen much about your shows, but maybe I'm not looking in the right places.
How have things been going?
I hope you still think of me as a friend, regardless of me and W having broken up.
I'm glad that you invited me to Burning Man with you, and I wanted to thank you again.

I haven't been doing too good lately. Earlier this week I think I realized I must be suffering from depression. It was near the end of two days were I felt like I was physically unable to get out of bed for no apparent reason. It's difficult to live in this house, as I feel the oppressive weight of memories here.
Being rejected hurts a lot. I know it's easy to think I should just get over it, but it's hard to make myself actually feel it. Thoughts are easy, emotions are hard.
I think I may need to leave the penthouse, or perhaps even leave San Francisco. For a brief time, I was even contemplating checking out of life. It's weird... I'm fine when I'm around people or talking to them on the phone joking around, but it's when I'm alone that my moods spiral downward. I think I need counseling. Also, I'm avoiding all alcohol, as it seems to make my mood worse.

R, you are a very special and talented person and I want you to have all the best success in life.

E

BORG2

Here is a mass email I sent tonight to all my friends who have ever attended Burning Man:

BORG2: What is it and why am I excited about it?

Hi all,

Have you been disappointed by the lack of mind-blowing art at Burning Man the last couple of years? Wondering where all the art went? Questioning whether Burning Man has lost its focus on art?
I've recently gotten involved in a new Burning Man-related organization called BORG2, which is working to bring more and better art & performance to the playa at Burning Man 2005 through direct democracy.
http://www.borg2.org
http://www.borg2.org/FAQ.html#A2X1
Unlike the regular Burning Man organization, which is a large, unwieldy authoritarian bureaucracy, BORG2 is a smaller nimble single-issue democracy, comprised mostly of hundreds of artists themselves. BORG2 believes the Burning Man bureaucracy is a big part of the problem when it comes to art on the playa. The Burning Man LLC is a large for-profit corporation, which must focus on many things which have nothing to do with art: porta-potty contracts, land permits, theme camp placement, rules and regulations, etc... It's easy to see how art can get lost in the shuffle with so many other worries. BORG2 feels that the Burning Man organization is not putting enough focus on art and needs to radically change its processes for dealing with art.

What excites me about BORG2 is that not only is it promising to bring more and better art to the playa as well as bring back disgruntled artists, it is also small enough and ambitious enough so that the ordinary Burning Man attendee like myself can really help make an impact.
Also, at this point, BORG2 is a one-year experiment that does not desire to be a permanent organization. So it's a rare opportunity to get involved in something that will hopefully end up making big long-term changes at Burning Man.

At this very early stage, tentative talks are underway to give BORG2 the entire 2:00 slice of the city, which could become the BORG2 art zone at BM2005. Discussions are being hashed out on a possible art walk in the open playa past 2:00. Perhaps even a BORG2 Esplanade of like-minded villages and theme camps along 2:00. Other ideas include a BORG2 stage, with a focus on 24/7 live music and performance. All of this is still very much up in the air and subject to change, and the exciting part is that anybody who joins the discussion can help shape what eventually happens.

Are you excited now too? Here's what you can do:

1. The public is just days away from electing a BORG2 Art Council (nine individuals) and a Guest Curator (one art collective). The Guest Curator is in charge of rounding up new artists, projects and general interest. The Art Council is in charge of receiving art proposals and then putting them up for a public vote. The public will then make the final decision on which art projects get BORG2 funding. This is radically different from the way the larger Burning Man bureaucracy/autocracy funds art and chooses its placement.
All you need to do to register to vote is to sign up to this mailing list:
http://saucer.spaceship.com/mailman/listinfo/bep
Election Day is next Tuesday, January 18th, and yes, there will be mechanisms in place to prevent people from stuffing the ballot box with multiple email aliases.
I urge you to read up on the candidates and their platforms here:
http://www.borg2.org/ArtCouncil.html
and here:
http://www.borg2.org/GuestCurator.html
and then go vote!

2. BORG2 is trying to raise $250,000 to fund better art on the playa. This is the money that will be handed out by the Art Council to fund art projects approved by the pubilc. If you have the resources, make a donation at http://www.BORG2.org/Donate.html for more art at Burning Man.

3. If you belong to a theme camp or village that is excited by BORG2's ideas, encourage them to consider moving to the BORG2 art zone. Get a dialogue going between BORG2 and your camp/village.

4. If ideas and brainstorming are your thing, join the ongoing BORG2 discussions at http://borg2.tribe.net .

5. Volunteer for the Burning Bacon Fundraiser Feb. 5 (see below)

For more info, I've included a copy of the latest BORG2 Bullhorn, the official newsletter of BORG2, below.

Thanks for reading, and don't forget to register to vote on January 18th!

Finally excited about Burning Man again!
E

Closure

A letter I sent to W on this night. Our attempt at closure was not successful.

W,

You sent me an email tonight asking if I thought I had closure.
It’s pretty obvious to me that we do not have closure yet, at least not a healthy one.
Closure means ending on a positive note.
Closure means we have achieved what we have both expressed a desire for – that we have become friends.
Closure does not mean simply shutting down communication, or at least not doing so in a negative way.
I don’t like having enemies, and I don’t like feeling that we are on bad terms.
I never ended on bad terms with ANY of me exes, except for Vitamin C, and a girl I dated when I was 16. And I don’t intent to be on bad terms with you.
I extend the olive branch to you once again.


Love Always,
E

P.S. After I wrote the above letter, I did a Google search for the words “relationship” and “closure”. This was the top entry:
http://www.romanceclass.com/miscr/howto/closure.asp
I agree with it.

Well, anyway, Happy New Year

A letter I sent to W on this night. I did not hear back from her.

W,

I don’t know if you read my last letter. I don’t even know if you’re reading this one.
But I reread it myself, and maybe I was too harsh. I don’t know anymore. Was I too harsh? Or was I just the right amount of harsh? Or am I really too wimpy and it wasn’t harsh enough?
I don’t know how to do this. I don't know if there is a right way. I don’t even know if you’re reading these. As Abba says “breaking up is never easy to do. Knowing me, knowing you, it’s the best I can do.”

Maybe I just wanted you to realize that it turns out we both felt like we were supporting the other one.
And maybe I was too harsh because I wanted to get back at you for cutting me down so hard in your angry letter. I don’t know anymore.

I just wanted to clarify at least one thing here and say that I guess one of the points I was trying to get across but maybe didn't is that I felt that if the situation was reversed, and I had wanted to go out and be an artist or go back to school for a while and not work, and theoretically if I didn’t have my savings to fall back on, I never felt that at any point in our relationship that you would have been able to support me if I did that. So I guess in a way I always felt like I was the one who was there to fall back on if either of us ever needed financial support in any given month. Maybe I’m totally off base. Maybe you could have supported me in ways I wasn’t aware of, and you probably were supporting me in ways I wasn’t aware of, and that’s probably what led you to be so angry in your angry letter. I guess a lot of times one person has to be the artist and the other person has to be not the artist. That’s just the way things are sometimes. I think almost every relationship has several kinds of imbalances… that’s just human nature. But if it's a successful relationship, more than likely all the things that are imbalanced actually do balance each out in a greater sense, and maybe in different ways that people aren’t aware of. Different people have different things that they do well. The trick to it is all in how people deal with it, I guess. And maybe if we had still been together years and years down the road, the situation WOULD have been reversed, and it would have been you loaning me rent while I took classes.
But anyway, that’s what I was getting at when I said I was glad you were experimenting and trying to do it on your own.

Maybe someday we can just call a truce and just say that we wanted slightly different things out of life even though we both tried to pretend that we didn’t, and we tried to make it work, and in the end it didn’t. It’s painful to admit about a person you felt so strongly about, but that’s probably the answer.
You needed more flexibility and I needed more stability. You get nervous about signing leases and I get nervous thinking about packing everything up without a plan. That's just the way it is.

Anyway, I wanted to say Happy 2005. I miss having a lover like you, but I think we’ve both learned a lot from this (at least I hope we have).



Love Always,
E

The Expanding Universe

Here is the text of a letter I wrote to my old and dear friend S tonight:

S,

I'm reading this great book right now that made me think about you.

Old people remember exactly where they were when Pearl Harbor happened.
Young people remember exactly where they were when 9/11 happened.

I remember exactly where I was when I found out how the universe was going to end... and I was with you.

It was 1997 and I was living in the house on Greeley with D and C. You were over to visit. We were sitting in the living room, with that yellow and blue paint on the walls and the wood front door, and the couches at odd angles, one of them a most horrible color of orange and brown plaid, and the dining table in the next room made of cinder blocks and plywood.
That afternoon, I read a stunning article in the newspaper that forever changed our views of ourselves and our world, and apparently sparked a scientific revolution.
I can still remember the stunned look on your face, and that you had to sit down, when I told you the news. Although I can't remember whether you sat on the couch, or simply sank to the floor.
Although D couldn't grasp what the big deal was, we both agreed that "this changes everything".

The article was about how scientists, by studying a certain type of supernovae, had finally found solid evidence that once and for all solved the great debate over whether there was enough mass in the universe to keep it from expanding forever endlessly.
Until then, we both believed the universe was a cycle rather than a line... and that this was the ideal state of being. Progress was a myth. Nature was cyclical. Ancient mythologies and postmodern theories both based themselves on this idea. The universe would eventually stop expanding, and start contract, eventually ending in a big crunch. Perhaps it would repeat the whole process over and over again in an endless cycle, being born anew each time like a Phoenix, perhaps each time with radically different laws of physics. It was elegant and comforting and without beginning or end.
Since the dawn of man, such eternal questions as the fate of the universe were once the sole realm of philosophers and theologians, but by 1997, humanity had suddenly and unexpectedly reached the point where science could actually provide a definitive answer.
And our comforting ideas were wrong.

"Perlmutter, Schmidt, and their colleagues revealed for the first time that the force of gravity was losing the battle, and the universe was expanding unabated. Most scientists now believe the expansion of the universe will continue forever."
"Galaxies fly away from one another, dimming and reddening over time, disappearing from the skies. Stars burn out and die, becoming empty shells of cold, dead matter. The stars flicker out one by one. The universe gets cooler and cooler over time, and the last bits of matter might even disintegrate, decaying into energy and giving brief bursts of light to the cold soup of lifeless radiation that suffuses the universe. Finally, there is nothing left except for a frigid bath of cold light. Our destiny is a death by ice."
"It was a stunning discovery. For the first time in history, scientists had wrested the end of the universe from the hands of mythology and speculation and placed it firmly within the grasp of human knowledge. This will be one of the most enduring victories of cosmology."

This is from the new book "Alpha and Omega: The Search for the Beginning and End of the Universe" by Charles Seife, which I am reading right now.
The book is about the major scientific revolution that has happened over the last few years, and is still continuing today, because of that discovery in 1997.
It's a excellent, fascinating read, and as I sit here, I also can't help thinking of the personal journeys of discovery you and I have made since that day long ago in Houston, Texas.



Thinking about you, and wishing you all the best in life.
Happy Holidays.
Love,
E

IOU

Here is a letter I wrote to W on this date. It was in response to her telling me how much money she still owes me.

W,

Thank you for getting back to me on this issue.
At this time, I am choosing not to ask you for the money back until after your current transitional period is over. I understand that you will probably be going through yet another difficult period in your career, employment, money and possibly housing now that you have quit massage work.
First, I would like to support you in the changes you are making.
Second, I do not want you to be able to blame me if something goes wrong.
My only request is that you inform me when you think you are in comfortable space to be able to pay me back.
I wish you all the best of luck and success.

E

Re: This Is Not The Letter Either

After yesterday's interaction, I decided to ask Wendy what she seemed so upset about... as you can see, it was a simple one-sentence email. She responded with the long angry diatribe below. I question the appropriateness of this in response to my simple question. Also, why stew on this for so long and wait until December to tell me about her thought process back in August? And why kick me when I'm down?

W,
Are you angry at me about something, or were you upset about something else?
E

Her response:

I'm angry at you. I broke up with you because I was angry at you and breakfast with you on Monday made me feel angry at you again. I've been far too nice, or thinking I was being nice to really express how angry at you I've been.

I think that you don't understand anything other than your own needs. When I got together with you it was because I saw someone that was loving, considerate, fun, and present with me. I felt that you cared about my welfare and encouraged me to take care of myself and helped take care of me, too. Somewhere in there I feel like you started to take me for granted. In emotional and physical ways: cooking, cleaning, organizing, laundry, sex, being okay with your transgender explorations.

You've never learned to cook though I've asked you to cook over and over again; you obviously stopped doing the laundry at some point based on all the dumb questions you had when I specifically asked you to start doing laundry again; our room was always a mess; you seemed to not understand or care that I didn't want my personal possessions being worn by strange men or that having your business in our home and spreading it to our personal space was invasive and uncomfortable; I feel you made minimal effort to understand my disinterest in sex with you; you started not wanting to talk with me and telling me I talk too much and being silent and wierd when I'd try to converse with you; you got moody and pissy about me not giving you attention when YOU wanted it, but couldn't even be persuaded to come to bed when you were at the computer at night. And you never once bought me flowers or wrote me letter about ideas you had about how we could resolve any off our relationship issues until I threatened to not be there for you anymore.

So, yeah, I'm angry.

I'm angry that you seem to want me back because you're used to being taken care of and not have to do for yourself. I'm angry that you either don't or can't hear me when I tell you I WAS NOT HAPPY.

My belief is that if you cared about me you would say that you are happy for me that I am happy now and tell me that even if you don't understand WHY I left you, you will try to understand and you will support me in being happy. Instead I see you not caring about anyone other than yourself. I see you squirming because you are uncomfortable without me and focusing only on your wants and needs. But I feel I've seen you not caring about anyone else's wants and needs other than your own for a while now. I've seen you take and take and not give back, even when you're asked to give. Well you can't have anything else from me. I'm done with giving to you. I'm not going to give you time to try and make me feel bad that my decisions have made you feel bad (counseling) because then you'd be sucking my energy away from me again and I'm done with that.

Figure your shit out without me. Get your own counselor. I'm doing what I have to do to take care of me and there is absolutely nothing you have done since I first hinted that I was leaving that has told me you care about anything other than yourself. I don't trust you to take care of me or take my needs into consideration. And I don't trust you to try and understand.

And I don't think you like strong women. I think you like women that are so self sufficient that they can take care of themselves without you AND take care of you. I'm not your strong woman. I'm weak and dumb or I would have called you on your shit long long ago and not be so angry and bitter and biting right now. Find someone dumber next time or figure out how to take care of yourself so that you can do more than let someone caretake for you until they're sick of it and leave.

W

This Is Not The Letter Either

Here is a email interaction I had with W yesterday and today. Her anger at me was puzzling, as our last previous interaction had ended without anger.

W,
You seemed tense and angry when I talked to you on the phone tonight to bring up the subject of debt repayment.
I wish you could figure out some way to treat me with at least some baseline level of common courtesy and dignity that even strangers have for each other.
E

Her response today:

E,
I'm sorry I was rude. I have no caller ID on my home phone so have no way of knowing who is calling and really didn't want to talk to you right then. Please only call my cell phone from now on and leave me a message if I don't answer. That way if I answer it means I'm in a space to talk to you and if I don't it means I will get back to you when I am in a space to talk to you, which means I will have the ability to speak to you in a much less offensive manner than I did tonight.
W

Thanksgiving

>My Alley Cat Tales
>Thursday, November 25, 2004
>
>At 6:31 PM Friday, November 26 Anonymous said...
>
>How distraught is your old lover and how much of a support system does she have? Not that she would necessarily do this, >but the holidays always have a high rate of suicides, unfortunately.
>
>
>At 2:09 PM Saturday, November 27, Grey Tabby said...
>
>Thanks you for mentioning that! I called one of E's roommates and another close friend of ours and asked them to check in >on her and make sure she feels loved.


Pasted above are the reader comments to W's Thanksgiving blog entry. Some background on this: on Thanksgiving, W mentioned in her blog that I had written her 'distraut (sp. distraught?) messages' (actually I had only written her one message at that point, but yes it is true that I am very distraught and having physically self-destructive thoughts. I'll include my original messages below.)

My first reaction to this posting was, 'Thank God! W really cares after all! That is so sweet of her.' I felt so relieved.
But as time has marched on, neither of these two anonymous people ever contacted me - neither the 'roommate' (which could potentially be one of four people), nor the 'close friend'. I still don't know what to make of this. Perhaps this reflects poorly on our choices of mutual friends. Sigh. That made me feel sad all over again.
So I waited another day, and when I still didn't hear from W herself, I thought about this more and some things didn't add up. Why would she make two phone calls to third parties, rather than just make one phone call directly to me?
I also realized I haven't heard from her since before Halloween.
And tonight I found out she's not really been out of town.

Q. What am I scared of?
A. I'm scared that she's been purposely ignoring me becuase she doesn't want to talk to me. I'm scared that she is not seeing me as a flesh and blood human being - one with feelings and vulnerability and mortality. I'm scared of stubbornness. I'm scared that she will not respect me for opening up to her about my feelings of pain and longing. I'm scared that I can't live

Below are the emails I wrote her. There is no BS in there... they were raw and sincere and I meant every single word, and I felt very scared and vulnerable writing them. Although flat words on a screen can't express adequately the intensity of emotions I've been feeling.



W,

I'm guessing you must be out of town or something for the holidays. Let me know when you get back.
Then again, I'm realizing I haven't heard anything from you since before Halloween. Hmm. Are you actually here? That would make me very sad if that is the case. Well, "sadder", really.
I really feel sick every morning, like my stomach is being ripped up. I almost don't know why I came back here now.
At times I feel like I want my mind to crawl into a black hole where I don't have to think about anything. I passed out from drinking on thanksgiving - it's the first time I've passed out in a long time.
Being here at the penthouse is making me crazy. Not being able to talk to you is, too.
I feel like crying at odd times. My emotions are very close to the surface since I got back.

It's deeply humiliating to tell someone you love them when you don't think they love you back, but that is indeed the case. It hurts me just to write it.
I guess there are a lot of things about the last few months that I just don't understand.

There are things I want to talk to you about that I'd rather not write. Emails are impersonal and prone to misinterpretation.

Please call me whenever you get back.

E

Letter to W

This is a letter I gave to W on this date, inside an envelope, along with some flowers. I was trying to be conciliatory, but it seemed to make her angry. Everything I do seems to make her angry.

W,

Thank you for taking time to write out your detailed comments on yesterday's blog. I am glad that we have a dialogue. (Yes, I am being serious).
You made a lot of good points. I'll respond to them at the end.

Blogging
The point of me having a blog is to express my thoughts and feelings as I have them - right or wrong. It's my attempt to communicate honestly what's going on in my head.
The point is not to accuse or be vindictive. I only mean to express my feelings of the moment - raw and uncensored.
And just like everybody else, my feelings can change drastically from moment to moment and throughout the day.
The blog is a snapshot of what I'm feeling at the exact moment I'm writing.
Friday I was feeling anger and hurt while I was writing the blog, and what you read was a reflection of that.
But Saturday morning I had other thoughts that were of a much more positive nature. I wrote down some notes yesterday, but I didn't have time to send them out to you before I had to go to work. You might have had a different impression of things right now if I had.
But you are right about the feeling you get from writing in a blog - it feels good to get things out and write them down.

An Agreement
I've gotten a lot of advice in the last few days from various sources. Some of it is not so good advice. Some of it is very good.
The single best piece of advice was one I heard last night:
Apparently when my electrologist and her boyfriend decided to move in together years and years ago, they made an agreement which they still keep.
The agreement was to not put words in each other's mouths.
What this means is that they agree to listen to what the other person has to say, but most importantly, they never presume to "know" what the other person is thinking. This also means they make a conscious effort to hear what the other person is saying and not just what they want to hear. This style of communication takes a lot more effort, but it is the best thing I've heard in a long time.
I know that we have both been guilty of putting words in the other person's mouth, and thoughts in the other person's head.
The most recent examples are me putting thoughts in your head in yesterday's blog, and you putting thoughts into my head when we went out to watch the meteors.
I am SORRY (I capitalized for emphasis, not because I'm yelling) here on my end, and I will make a conscious effort not to put words in your mouth in the future. I hope you feel the same. I would love to make a similar agreement with you.

Couples Counseling
I actually feel the opposite of what you wrote about when to go to couples counseling.
I feel that we actually need an emergency counseling session as soon as possible with no delays. Ideally, I would like for us to see someone Monday or Tuesday evening this coming week if that is not too unrealistic.
Our communication seems to have broken down further and further each day in a rapidly increasing snowball effect - with more miscommunication and hurt feelings piled on top of the previous days'.
I feel that immediate counseling would put a stop to this negative pattern, but simply stewing on all that's happened in the past week will not do either of us any good.
At the rate things have been breaking down between us, I feel that waiting until after you move out will be way, way too late to do any good.
One more note on counseling: even if we break up completely (god forbid), couples counseling would still be a good idea, for us to both get closure.

Talking and Listening
There are lots of ideas out there for us to improve our communication.
I honestly would like for us to work on some of these before you move out. I hope that we can do that.
Here is one idea I had all on my own this morning:
We get together once a day (or once every other day, or once a week - whatever works best) in a quiet space, and we both have a half-hour time limit where we sit and truly listen to the concerns and feelings of the other person, while the other person expresses themself uninterrupted. One person just listens while the other person talks, unless of course the speaker invites feedback. Then we switch places for the next half hour.
Now the point of this exercise is that it provides a focus point for each of us to summarize our thoughts and feelings and communicate what's most important. And we can be sure that the other person has our undivided attention.
I think this would be especially great when combined with the "not putting words in each others mouth" agreement. We each get half an hour to talk just about how we feel, not how we "think" the other person feels.
Now of course this "talking and listening" time doesn't prevent either of us from talking about our issues, feelings and thoughts during the other 23 hours of the day. But it does ensure that we know what the most important things on each others' minds are - and I think that has been one of our big problems.

Moving Out
This is a tough one for me to write about, because it is embarassing.
I've already left you a phone message apologizing.
I honestly thought at the end of our last face to face encounter that you meant you were moving out immediately. I don't know how I got that impression, but obviously I was wrong. I sense you have a great deal of anger about this. I did not mean to do anything to purposely upset you or be vindictive in regards to this. We obviously had another breakdown in communication, and I take the blame for this one. I honestly thought when you said you were going away for the night, that you meant you were going away for that night and the next night and the next one and not coming back except to gather your stuff. I thought that was the end - finis - and my mistaken impression obviously added to my sense of hurt and anger all day Friday.
I am going to email the roommates apologizing. (I am also going to change the voice message again slightly to take "Eve" off of it).

But the even tougher part for me to write about is this:
I know that you are committed to moving out, and the intellectual side of me says you need to do what you need to do.
But there is also an emotional part of me that is so utterly, utterly desperate for you to change your mind about us not being primary partners.
That side of me is so scared of losing you and the energy you bring into my life, and all the ways we fit together, and my dreams for the future.
That side is desperate to tell you that I would do anything, anything for you. That I would get down on my hands and knees. That I love you so dearly that I would even lay down my life for you.
You are the love of my life.
For me the unspoken truth behind all this back and forth we've been doing is that I am desperate to do anything or change anything - anything - about myself for the possibility that you would reconsider.
The intellectual side says it is undignified for me to admit that - but I know it is the emotional truth.

Yesterday's Letter - A Response
You're right - I should not have brought up Ed. It is obviously a sore spot, based on how much of your reply was about this one issue. You are right that I was not there, and that the only things I know about it are what you've told me. I was putting words in your mouth (see the "Agreement" section above), which I now realize is a very bad thing and a block to good communication.
On the flip side, you say you don't think I would find any less fault with any other method you chose of moving out . You don't know that - please don't put thoughts in my head, either.

I do want us to move forward and focus on fixing problem rather than be mired in the past and dwelling on "he said, she said" accusations.
I do so much want to go to counseling, but not to be vindictive. I want to go because I want to make a good faith effort to heal the things that need healing between us, and to find ways to be better partners. I hope you feel the same way.
Like you, I also do not want us to be as we have been: distant from each other, talking past each other, ships passing in the night, painting by the numbers... but unlike you, I do not feel that our relationship has run its course yet, and I feel there is still a place for healing and growth.

I think of all the good things we have done for each other - me coming with you to Portland to give support as you visited your sister in the hospital, you giving me the courage to start my own business - and I am so reluctant to give up on a future filled with a lifetime of such moments.
I know that once upon a time you asked me, in all sincerity, to marry you. And I will never forget that for at least that one moment in time, that love was the Truth of our relationship... no matter what happens in our future.

Love,
E

Double Speak?

It's interesting to note the big difference in tone between what W says to my face and what she says in her blog. The accusations in her blog entry are bewildering, as she seems to get herself all worked and angry speculating what I might do as well as her dream about me, rather than what actually happened in reality, which was uneventful and ahead of schedule.

From W's bog:

New Day

Whew! I was angry last night!

I feel better now that I've slept. I dreamt last night that my old roommates lived with me again in a house that was supposed to be the one I'm moving out of currently, but that was entirely different than reality in the dream. In the dream our home was an ENORMOUS 2 story penthouse suite with giant rooms and lots of closets and bathrooms. So why were we fighting over who got what space? Throughout the entire dream. First my former roommate was arguing with E, then I was arguing and fighting with E, trying to lock her out of "my" section of the suite, which she kept trying to invade. Either the dream switched around to all of us moving out or we were all in the process of moving out anyhow, but I kept yelling at E to help clean up. For some reason we were rushing to clean the space after packing so we could get our full cleaning deposit back and I keep having to ask E to clean rather than have guests over and go out partying. At one point I handed her a broom to clean up a bunch of broken (green?) glass and had to be strict with her about it being her chore to do as she hadn't done anything else helpful in the process up to that point. Interesting.

I have found that she or someone else has come into the guestroom a few times to put the bag of recycling, clothes I had on a chair in the livingroom, etc, into the room. And I'm a little paranoid that each time she inspected what I'm moving with and perhaps took something. Which is totally irrational of me. I can see how I'm really upset at feeling I don't have my own private space still and wanting to fight to keep her out and it coming out in my dream. And that I'm frustrated that she made a point of telling me she's useless in helping me move. The exact words where more along the lines of informing me that she didn't know that she was going to be available to help me when I wanted to move. How convenient. I am hoping I don't have to get angry and demanding with her, like in the dream, about moving her stuff out of the studio. I don't need more passive/aggressiveness from her and then being accussed of being bitchy or unreasonable when I get upset that she's not pulling her wieght to take care of her part of the move. I'm going to have to communicate VERY clearly with her in the next few days when really I'd rather ignore her. Perhaps I'll write a note. She seems to get it when I WRITE to her rather than talking. I guess I'll add "write a letter of clarification to E" to my long list of things to do before I move. Ugh.

Comments:
At 5:47 PM, Anonymous said...
i don't think she's being passive aggressive at all; she said that she doesn't know if she can help move, and that's that. As you said before, she came home to find you moving out- you can't expect her to help you when it's convenient for you, unless you had a prior agreement.
"I am hoping I don't have to get angry and demanding with her" actually sounds way more passive agressive than her telling you that she can't help.
God knows I know moving sucks. And I'd be there helping you if I weren't working (or sick as a dog as I've been the last two days). But don't burn bridges with her.

At 9:39 AM, Grey Tabby said...
The whole point of writing her a note was so that I am clear about what I expect and she can let me know if I'm off in my expectations and we can work it out. The angry and demanding part isn't about her helping me move when it's convenient for me on Saturday. It's about her getting her stuff out by the 15th, a date we set well before she left for Burningman. I don't want to burn any bridges, I'm just upset right now and venting. And I don't entirely trust her to hold up her end of the bargain to move by the 15th. I don't WANT to yell at her, but I will be exceptionally annoyed if she doesn't follow through.



Now the letter that W actually wrote to me:

Since you seem otherwise occupied and because it seems a lot easier to lay things out clearly in an email, I thought I'd write to you about stuff pertaining to me moving out. Here goes...

FRIDAY
Last week my muhammara was all eaten when I got back over the weekend. I wasn't clear if this was because it got eaten by you personally or got put out accidentally by someone that didn't understand that it wasn't part of the Friday night snack options. I moved everything that is for your business into the bottom shelf of the door (pop/juice) and the rest into one of your little plastic purple bins on the 2nd shelf down. There are notes stating that the stuff on the top shelf and in the upper drawer of the fridge are not shared. That should be self explanatory for anyone digging around in the fridge, but I thought I'd point it out to you so you can be consciencious about it.

SATURDAY
I have a rental van from 9 am to just before 1 pm on Saturday and will be moving everything over to the studio during that time. Any mess from the night before should be cleaned up and cleared away before 10am. It will perhaps take me longer to pack the rental van and be over, but I don't have that much stuff, so perhaps not. I will be taking the leopard print futon and pillow back over to the Penthouse, but will leave the rest of your business stuff for you to take care of.

I will go out for the night or find somewhere to spend the night Saturday so that I won't disturb your client appointment.

SUNDAY & WEDNESDAY
It really would be best to have your clients over at the Penthouse. If you are able to help me move on Saturday, then I am willing to help you move whatever you need back over to the Penthouse either while I still have the moving van, or in the late morning on Sunday in whatever transportation you provide. At the very least I would like all of your business stuff and personal possessions and the keys to the apartment returned by Wednesday evening before 10pm.

Money
We are both paid through the 15th, you on the Studio, me on the Penthouse. I actually only charged you through Tuesday the 14th. If you want to do the math and see how much you overpaid and compare it to how much I overpaid for the Penthouse, I am willing to repay you any difference. I somehow doubt there will be much as I overpaid by almost $65. I would appreciate if that if you have any money claims on me over this you get me the info by October 1. After that I think it is just water under the bridge.

Deposit
I will write a letter CCing you and RF and asking for my deposit to be returned. The full amount is $898.50. If for whatever reason I am mistaken or an amount is going to be taken out of it I would like you to let me know in writing how much and why. I believe I remember from S&B moving out that it should be paid back within 2 weeks of 9/15. Any personal monies I owe you will be repaid in the amount of $75-100 each month until it is paid. Just to be clear, the deposit money and what I personally owe you are seperate and should be repaid accordingly.

Miscellaneous Items
The green glass shelf in the bedroom is mine, but I decided to leave it since it's already up and it looks nice where it is. If you don't want it I will take it down. Also, all my CDs are in your little CD holder thingy. I was wondering if I could borrow it until I find another one or if you want me to leave it here?

Of the shared decore we had in the bedroom and split the cost of I left you the pillows, curtains, curtain rods, sheets, duvet cover, and paint/painting supplies. I took the wood branch with the air plants, and the little black trash bin we bought for the small bathroom. I would like to just keep the cleaning supplies, paper towels, paper towel holder, ikea cups, and wall clock that are already over at the studio, especially since I'm leaving so much shared stuff behind and I haven't charged you for studio utilities at all.

The grey hanging shelving thing in your closet is mine and the blue one at the studio is yours. We can switch them out if you like or just let them hang where they are.

Sorry this is such a detailed and tedious list, but I want to be communicative about what's going on and make sure that I don't just assume that how I've thought things through will be okay with you. Let me know if you need/want something different or if you agree to everything so I know we've worked out everything okay.

I love you,

W